JADE GOODY
Dear Jade,
As you are apparently the 15th most influential person in the world (or you apparently were), we just had to write to ask you if you would be kind enough to wish the proud city of Liverpool a happy birthday.
That’s right! We are 800 years old this August – d’ya reckon Heat magazine might do a special feature? They could call it: “Liverpool: Our Laughter! Our Tears! Our Famous People Who Are Famous For Being Famous (And Going To The Newz Bar and The Pan Am). Our Battle Against Cellulite!”
And once our big birthday year is out of the way (after December 31, 2007), it’ll be our European Capital of Culture year (that’s from January 1, 2008 – hope you’re keeping up, Jade!)
Liverpool’s motto is “The World In One City” because, like you, we have a proud history of welcoming all creeds, colours and cultures. Bullying and belittling people from other countries is just not in our make-up – yes, I know, you’re going to mention Danielle Lloyd’s name here, aren’t you? Well, there’s always the odd exception, but wasn’t she led astray by a bigger bully?
But let’s move onto more pleasant matters because, as well as inviting you to say “Happy Birthday Liverpool!” we’d like to invite you, during 2008, to follow up your (“private”) tour of India by coming on a tour of Liverpool, taking in, among other places, Toxteth, Chinatown – and a couple of fantastic Indian restaurants, because, as you memorably said in Delhi: “Everyone knows I love an Indian!”
Let’s do it, Jade! But hey, let’s also keep this as low key as possible. We could invite a camera crew from Channel 4, one or two of the tabloids and three or four of those crappy gossip mags – but that’s all. We don’t want to be accused of milking it, do we?
So, we very much look forward to receiving your happy birthday message ASAP (as soon as possible) – and an indication of when you’d like to go on a tour of Liverpool in 2008 (I expect your diary is pretty empty at the moment).
NO REPLY!
Simon Cowell
Dearest Simon,
Chart-topping greetings from Liverpool, the Capital of Pop!
As our hottest talent spotter, you must get sick of listening to screeching, ear-splitting, tone-deaf dunderheads who haven’t got a bloody clue (but enough about Sharon Osbourne) so I’d like to give you the chance to consider something which has style, substance and staying power.
Yes, that’s right . . . come on down The City of Liverpool!
We reckon you’ll agree that, like your good self, we have the X Factor. We did, after all, give the world The Beatles, not to mention The Reynolds Girls and The Chuddy Nuddies.
This summer, Simon, Liverpool celebrates its 800th anniversary and, all joking aside, it’d be absolutely great if you, as the country’s current Mr Music (if we’re not counting Ray Quinn), could send us a special happy birthday message.
Cheers, Simon – and well done for turning down the Spice Girls all those years ago (good call).
NO REPLY!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Hey Samuel,
All the best to you from one of your favourite places – sunny Liverpool!
It seems like, oh, seven years ago, since you were here in Merseyside, laughing and joking with Ricky Tomlinson (he sends his regards!), playing golf . . . and, of course, playing a kilt-wearing chemist in the gangster movie The 51st State.
And we were really chuffed when you said in an interview: “Every time I told anyone in London I was making a film in Liverpool they went ‘awww’. I was anticipating not enjoying myself there but I found it to be a very pleasant place and all the people were really cool and helpful.”
You were also very astute regarding your comments about your visit to Anfield. You said: “The first football match I went to was Liverpool versus a Romanian team. That was the worst example of football anyone could have taken me to because I didn’t know that Liverpool didn’t have to score. So I just watched these guys kick the ball out of bounds for an hour and a half.”
You thought THAT was bad . . . you’re lucky you weren’t taken to watch Bolton Wanderers!
As a golfing enthusiast – in real life as well as in the film – you also enjoyed plenty of practice on British courses, revealing: “I played most of the courses in Liverpool and I’d take the ferry over to Ireland and also go up to Scotland. But I was up in Scotland recently and it was raining sideways!”
How about giving Scotland the swerve in 2008 – and coming back to Merseyside, to watch the British Open just down the road from here in Birkdale, near Southport? It’s a great time to visit, because Liverpool will also be European Capital of Culture in 2008.
But let’s just hold onto our horses here because, before all that, Liverpool will be celebrating its 800th birthday . . . this very summer, 2007!
And we feel sure, Samuel, that you, as a big fan of Liverpool, will be delighted to send us a special “Happy Birthday” message.
NO REPLY!
MICHAEL JACKSON
Alright Mike? (I’m glad to see you’ve dropped the Wacko Jacko monicker. Let’s be honest, it didn’t do you any favours)
Don’t panic! I’m not going to mention Martin Bashir, or make any cheap gags about monkeys, dangling small children from tall buildings, bad skin (“Who’s bad?”) . . . or bad songs (“Who’s bad?”)
We know you have a deep and abiding love for Liverpool, just as Liverpool has a deep and abiding love for you – people in the city still talk about your show at Aintree Racecourse back in 1988 (as in: “I couldn’t see a bloody thing” and “No, nor me”). You are, therefore, probably well aware that the city is looking forward to celebrating its 800th birthday this summer.
Eight hundred years? That’s longer than you would have got in choky if there had been a terrible miscarriage of justice following Kiddiegate (but let’s not drag all that up again).
To get to the point (“FINALLY!” I hear you shriek in that funny, high-pitched voice you like to put on when you’re going for laughs), we would love you to send a special birthday greeting to us. You could even draw a picture of a monkey on your letter, if you want. Whatever makes you happy (well, within reason!)
NO REPLY!
