Vladimir Putin
The President of Russia
Comrade,
Greetings from Liverpool – land of the free (and the Superlambanana, Billy and Wally’s Hold Your Plums – do you have any tapes? I could send some – and, of course, The Shell Suit. Are they all the rage in your home city of St Petersburg, yet? It’s only a matter of time).
Enough of the pleasantries, though, because Liverpool will be celebrating its 800th birthday this summer and we would love it if Russia’s top man – that’s you – could send us a special greeting in this most special of years.
Also, is there anything you can do about Roman Abramovich? The guy is ruining football in this country. His wealth is making it artificial and ludicrous. I mean, Chelsea winning things . . . how artificial and ludicrous is that?
I know you’re a powerful man and can – taps nose – pull a few strings, so I hope you can start pulling this guy’s strings. He’s spoiling things for everybody else.
But first and foremost – and in all seriousness, El Presidente – it would be wonderful to receive a “Happy Birthday Liverpool” message from you.
NO REPLY!
Jacqueline Gold
Chief Executive of Ann Summers and Knickerbox
Dear Ms Gold,
You are Businesswoman of the Year, the head of a supremely-successful retail sex empire and, according to the 2007 Sunday Times Rich List, absolutely rolling in it . . . as the four lads who shook the world (aka The Rutles) sang: “Am I in luv? I must be in luv!”
No wonder you didn’t look THAT browned off when you had to sit next to Jeffrey Archer on ITV’s Fortune: Million Pound Giveaway – you can afford to smile in such trying situations!
Anyway, Jacqueline, we wanted to say “Well done for being the brilliantly-sexcessful person you are and . . . would you be good enough to send the sexy city of Liverpool a special, ahem, Gold-en greeting ahead of its 800th birthday this summer?”
Everything you touch turns to (here we go again) Gold and maybe a little bit of your magic will rub off on us if you send a “Happy Birthday” message.
As you will of course know, we have our own Ann Summers in Liverpool city centre. The shop is below the offices of famous city solicitor and Liverpool ECHO columnist Rex Makin who, when giving people directions, is fond of saying he’s “on top of Ann Summers”.
And there are one or two people I know here at the ECHO who would be more than happy to help with a spot of stocktaking at the Liverpool shop – especially if they could take home any unwanted items.
But seriously, we would be delighted if you could send the city of Liverpool a simple “Happy Birthday” message. Thanks so much – and keep on sticking it up those men on the Rich List who are nowhere near as rich as you.
NO REPLY!
Jonathan Ross
Dearest Jonathan,
Eight hundred greetings from the city of Liverpool, which celebrates its 800th birthday this summer.
Jonathan, we understand you have never meant any of the desperately cruel, offensive and insulting things you have said about Liverpool over the years, because we know you have a deep love for the place.
Some of your marvellous material is as blue as an Everton shirt – and your lovely wife’s spectacular hair is as red as a Liverpool top.
Anyway, Jonathan, we here at the Liverpool ECHO are huge fans of your work (even those occasional Friday Night With Jonathan Ross shows which don’t feature Ricky Gervais) and feel you are great value. But if you are feeling in any way guilty after signing that £18m contract . . . how do you fancy investing some of it in Everton FC?
While you’re thinking about that, we would be absolutely delighted if you could send us a special birthday message.
Keep on keeping on, Jonathan – and don’t let the Disgusted Licence-Payers of Tunbridge Wells (and various other places) get you down!
NO REPLY!
The Manager
The Priory Hospital,
North London
Dear Sir,
Warmest greetings from Liverpool which, on August 28, will celebrate its 800th birthday.
The Liverpool ECHO is determined to make this year a memorable one for its readers and, as such, is hoping to arrange a series of special events and offers.
Although we accept that you do a lot of great work for people who really do need your expert professional help, we also know, through the tabloids, that you provide a service for ne’er do well, professional celebrities who know the value of dragging your good name through the mud (and the tabloids).
They know the score: “A few days in the Priory equals a few days on the front pages.”
But, in the spirit of fairness, we believe that what is good enough for no-mark singers and reality show contestants – shysters and desperate attention-seekers the lot of ‘em – is good enough for the man and woman in the street.
We reckon our readers – good, solid citizens who, rather than bleating, pull themselves together and just get on with things when they feel a little under the weather – are much more deserving of a spot of indulgence and tender loving care.
With this in mind, how about we get together to offer a select group of ECHO readers a special “Pamper yourself weekend of luxury at The Priory, with all the trimmings – including being snapped by the paparazzi”?
Isn’t that a great idea? We could call it “Pamper The Scousers.” It might even make the tabloids!
We look forward to hearing your thoughts.
NO REPLY!
