I HEREBY enclose the seventh and final batch of previously unpublished birthday letters – hope you enjoy them.
And I hope you all enjoy Liverpool’s big day on Tuesday.
Don’t forget, the ECHO is the place to get all the details of the 800th birthday celebrations – both before and after they happen.
I’ll be out and about on the day, itself, and you can read my report on Wednesday.
Many happy returns, Liverpool.
The Captain
The Royal & Ancient Golf Club of St Andrew’s
Fife, Scotland
“Oh Captain! My Captain!” (Dead Poets’ Society! Great film!),
Best wishes and warmest greetings from Liverpool which is about to celebrate its 800th birthday.
Anyway, Captain (“My Captain!” – this is as much fun as Crackerjack, isn’t it? “CRACKERJACK!”), the Liverpool ECHO is looking at various ways we can make this summer’s festivities go with a swing (pun intended!) and we thought the greatest golf club in the world (well, Scotland) could grab a piece of the birthday action.
As Jonathan Ross would say, “Here’s the thing” . . . a wonderful event called “The Liverpool ECHO’s Hazy, Lazy, Utterly Crazy Fun Golf Weekend (in association with St Andrew’s).”
Basically, this would involve us getting a coachload of Scousers up to St Andrew’s for a two-day crazy golf tournament.
Crazy? It will be utterly wild! Think of the tabloid and TV interest. Think of the bar takings.
And if it’s a success – how can it not be? – we could make it an annual event.
Please let me know what you think – I’m sure we can get the ball rolling soon (no pun intended this time).
All the best to you and the men who serve under you, Captain (“My Captain!”)
Crackerjack! (“Crackerjack!”)
NOTE: My letter was re-directed to the Links Management Committee at St Andrew’s and, a day later, I received a call from a committee member who asked: “What dates were you looking at?”
His promised follow-up letter, however, never arrived.
The Manager,
Hampton Court Maze,
Hampton Court Palace
Dear Sir,
May I extend sincere and warm greetings, all the way from sunny Liverpool . . . let’s just hope you receive them and are not stuck in that bloody maze! Talking of which . . . I’m delighted to say it’s the proud city of Liverpool’s 800th birthday this summer. Pretty impressive, I’m sure you’ll agree. To mark this most special of years, we are keen to arrange a series of special events and outings for our readers – and we had the bright idea of enlisting your services to organise a special Liverpool ECHO outing to Hampton Court Palace.
Basically, this would involve bringing down a coachload of readers and staging a unique day out, entitled: “Spot The Scouser In The Maze!” Incidentally, we are well aware that the maze was planted as part of the gardens laid out for William of Orange between 1689 and 1695, but, just to put your mind at rest, thanks in no small part to the efforts of our late Bishops, Sheppard and Worlock, there is little evidence today of any difficulties between the city’s Roman Catholic and Protestant communities – in other words, there is no chance of the maze being subjected to any sectarian shenanigans (in other words, you won’t be asking: “Who weed on the hedges!?”)
But, on this point, what happens if people do get caught short while they’re lost in the maze? Are there in-maze toilets, or should they “just go” where they are?
Anyway, we think a “Spot The Scousers” day is a great idea – it could even make the telly and the tabloids. We look forward to hearing your thoughts on this exciting proposal – oh, and we really would be delighted to receive your best wishes in this most special of birthday years!
NO REPLY!
HENRY KISSINGER
Dear Mr Kissinger,
The most diplomatic of greetings to you, from Liverpool (so diplomatic, I’m not going to ask you about your involvement in Cambodia or Operation Condor).
This great city will, on August 28, be celebrating its 800th birthday and we would be most honoured if you, as a dead famous diplomat, could send us a special “Happy Birthday” message.
That, in itself, would be enough – but I wonder whether, should you be thinking of travelling to Europe again in the near future, I could interest you in a spot of “shuttle diplomacy” . . . it would basically involve you shuttling up and down the East Lancs Road, between the great city of Liverpool and Manchester.
The thing is, relations have been a bit strained between the two cities for a long time now . It would, perhaps, be undiplomatic of me to point out that all the blame for this lies with Manchester – but that is actually the case.
So would you fancy trying to turn the tide of history by bringing Liverpool and Manchester together – once and for all?
Just a thought.
But that “Happy Birthday” greeting is the main thing – we can carry on sniping at each other for a while yet, if you can’t fit us in.
NO REPLY!
MICKEY ROONEY
Dearest Mickey,
Warmest greetings from Liverpool, the birthplace of your “soccer” (we call it football!) star son, Wayne (not that we talk about him much in these parts, not since he left the Mighty Blues to play for Manchester United).
You’re The Man! No, you really are The Man, aren’t you?
And you’ve also been a bit of a lad as well, haven’t you? Eight marriages! Well, Mickey, they say some people never learn!
But what a life – you’re 86 years young and, after a lifetime of making fantastic films (who can forget It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World? Mad? It was absolutely zany!) you’re still working, with your touring production Let’s Put On A Show.
By the way, it looks like you’ll need to get someone to update your biographies. They all mention your sons Tim, Teddy, Mickey Jnr, Kyle and Jimmy – but not Wayne! Not ashamed of the little fella, are you? (not so little now, he’ll be 22 in October. They call him Shrek!).
To be fair, although his shocking show of disloyalty in turning his back on his supposedly-beloved Everton Football Club made him many enemies in his home city, I suppose the lad’s done well for himself – he’s already a multi-millionaire and, after coming through that well-publicised spot of unpleasantness involving a Liverpool whorehouse, he seems to be nice and settled with the lovely Coleen (if only he could keep her out of the shops! But you must know all about that!)
Enough of all that, though, because I’m writing to invite you to say a very happy birthday to the city of Liverpool which, on August 28, will celebrate its 800th anniversary.
We would have asked your Wayne to pass on this request, but we’re not sure he’s talking to us!
Keep on keeping on, Mickey – and, don’t worry, we’ll continue to keep an eye on young Wayne for you.
But joking aside and in all seriousness, you have achieved so much and the Liverpool ECHO holds you in the utmost respect. We would be delighted, therefore, to receive your best wishes in this most special of birthday years.
NO REPLY!
