President Fidel Castro
Vive el Presidente!
Greetings, comrade Fidel, world icon and top man in the Republic of Cuba . . . from the Republic of Liverpool.
We know you’ve been quite ill in recent months, but hope this letter finds you in good health and good heart . . . and that you’re now back behind your desk sticking it up the Americans in whatever way you can.
When you stood trial in 1953, you famously told your opponents: “I warn you, I am just beginning. If there is in your hearts a vestige of love for your country, love for justice, listen carefully . . . I know that the regime will try to suppress the truth by all possible means; I know that there will be a conspiracy to bury me in oblivion. But my voice will not be stifled – it will rise from my breast even when I feel most alone, and my heart will give it all the fire that callous cowards deny it . . . Condemn me, it does not matter. History will absolve me.”
Brilliant stuff – but never mind all that, because we want you to wish us a happy birthday!
Liverpool is gearing up for one hell of a big bash, to celebrate our 800th, on August 28.
Now that’s what I call a history (thank God I’m not writing to a Yank – I’d have to explain what “history” means, wouldn’t I, Fidel?)
Cheers, comrade.
NO REPLY!
SIR BERNARD INGHAM
Dear Sir Bernard,
“Sir”? Amazing!
Only kidding, top man. You were, in your heyday, more than just the hairiest pair of eyebrows in the West. You were (God help you) the Chief Press Secretary to The Thatcher between 1979 and 1990.
Thatch had a word with Her Madge, did she? Well, why not? You scratched her back (not literally, I hope) and she scratched yours (not literally, I hope).
No, I’m sorry. I can’t shake that dreadful image out of my brain. No wonder I’ve come over all queazy. No offence intended, though.
Right ho, Bernard, I know you’re a plain-speaking Yorkshire lad who calls a spade a bloody shovel, so let me stop beating around the bush – because I’ve always said you should avoid cliches like the plague and that procrastination is the thief of time (then again, other people say you should look before you leap. I think 10cc had it right – life is, indeed, a minestrone. What am I going on about? God knows!) – and extend a very special invitation to yourself.
It’s Liverpool’s 800th birthday this August and the Liverpool ECHO would like to ask you to send a special, plain-speaking greeting to this great city.
I know what you’re thinking – you said something about the Hillsborough disaster having been caused by a “tanked-up mob” and you probably feel a great many people in the city still resent you for making such a crass, unfeeling and inaccurate remark.
Well, yes, they do. But we feel sure you’ll want to take this opportunity to say how deeply ashamed you felt – and, perhaps, still feel – about that remark which, no doubt, was made at a time of great stress (and what could have been more stressful than being The Thatcher’s bag man?)
Also, perhaps they didn’t teach you about the importance of checking your facts when you were a cub reporter on the Hebden Bridge Times all those years ago. Never mind. I’m sure you’ve learned a valuable lesson. Finally!
So there you go, Bernard, the perfect opportunity for you to say “Happy Birthday” and “Sorry” at the same time.
No need to thank us, we’re here to help.
NO REPLY!
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
President of Iran
Mr President,
Greetings from Liverpool, land of the free (please don’t go thinking we’re part of the UK).
Iran and Liverpool have more in common than you might think – you hand out ill-fitting, cheap and nasty suits to British navy personnel before sending them back to Blighty . . . and a lot of Scousers wear ill-fitting, cheap and nasty trackies and shell suits.
By the way, we understand you banned “indecent” Western music from state-run TV and radio stations back in December 2005. I don’t blame you – I’ve heard Atomic Kitten.
We also understand you are a man of the people, calling your website the People’s Friend – why don’t you come over to Liverpool and enjoy watching a game or two at Goodison Park, home of Everton FC, the People’s Club?
But to get to the main point, this proud city of Liverpool is set to celebrate its 800th birthday this August – and we would love it if the esteemed President of Iran could send us a “Happy birthday Liverpool” greeting.
Cheers, squire – and keep your head down (at least while Bush is still in power).
NO REPLY!
HIS HOLINESS THE DALAI LAMA
Your Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama, reincarnation of the Buddha and leader of the exiled Tibetan government,
That’s quite a mouthful!
Anyway, a thousand billion zillion greetings from Liverpool, where you performed a storming show – and delivered a great message of hope – back in 2004.
A ticket-only crowd of 2000 punters queued from daybreak to see you awarded an honorary fellowship by Liverpool John Moores University, while a further 1000 people had been placed on a waiting list stretching back six months .
You certainly know how to pull ‘em in, don’t you, Dalai?
I bet you’ve got great memories of that special day – and will be delighted to hear that Liverpool is still on the up and up. We’ll be European Capital of Culture next year and, this summer, we’ll be celebrating our 800th birthday!
Isn’t that brilliant?
And, ahead of this wonderful occasion, it would be truly beautiful if your holiness could send a birthday greeting to the city of Liverpool – we really would be delighted to receive such a special message from such a special person.
PS Do you fancy buying Everton Football Club? With your pulling power, there would surely be no problem raising the money.
NO REPLY!
