GEORGE W. BUSH
Dear George Walker Bush,
Walker!?! No wonder you stick to “W”.
Listen up, George, it’s Liverpool’s 800th birthday this August and we would just love it if you, the most important man in the world (I know! I bet you’re still pinching yourself), sent us a special birthday message.
We’d also love to be able to look forward to The Big One (no sniggering at private, mucky jokes about Clinton and that Lewinsky minx, here, George! – that sordid little saga stained us all) . . . a George W. Bush visit to Liverpool!
You may recall that you sent over one of your little helpers not so long ago – Condoleezza Rice – and I bet she’s told you all about our city. I can hear her now: “It was fabulous, George. I got a really hot reception. The people were going mad for me, shouting and screaming their heads off. It must have been the same for The Beatles.
“And Liverpool is such an amazing place, and so well-served by its police force – there were cops everywhere!”
So it would be great, George, if you could put yourself forward for some of the same, either this year (birthday year!) or next (Liverpool as European Capital of Culture year!)
But before you get out the atlas – we’re not too far from London – please send us that birthday greeting.
Have a nice day!
NO REPLY!
GEORGE BUSH SENIOR
Dear George Herbert Walker Bush,
I’ve just written to your son (George junior – you know, the guy with his finger far too close to that button! Only joking), inviting him to say a very happy birthday to Liverpool, in this the year we celebrate our 800th anniversary.
Now that, my dear American cousin, is what you call history!
Any road up, I got to thinking that you probably feel a little left out these days, what with everyone writing to the lad and ignoring The Daddy in the process.
But we respect parents and old folks in this part of the world, so we want to invite you, too, to send a special birthday greeting to little old Liverpool. Don’t forget, we gave America The Beatles (and you burned their records!)
It’d be great to get messages from both father and son, so God bless you both – the world will certainly never forget the Bush boys (aren’t any more we don’t know about, are there? Only kidding).
NO REPLY!
THE SULTAN OF BRUNEI
His Majesty Sultan Haji Hassanal Bolkiah Mu’izzaddin Waddaulah, the Sultan and Yang Di-Pertuan of Brunei Darussalam
Your Majesty,
First things first – what a magnificent name!
Greetings from the city of Liverpool to the – I’d better use your short name – Sultan of Brunei (note how I didn’t go for the obvious gag by calling you the “Sultan of Swing” – you must get really sick of that).
You are not just the Sultan – great, though, that is – but the ruler, prime minister, defence minister, finance minister and head of the religion of Brunei Darussalam. Great work!
Any road, I write to inform you that it is this proud city’s 800th birthday this summer – and to ask you if you would be so kind as to send us a birthday greeting.
You are held in high esteem by the people of Liverpool and it really would be wonderful to receive your best wishes.
PS Fancy buying Everton Football Club? Go on, you have been linked before . . . let’s make it official this time!
NO REPLY!
AA Gill
The Sunday Times
Dear Adrian Anthony Gill,
That’s a nice name, so why be ashamed of it?
Greetings, you old josher, from Liverpool, which will proudly celebrate its 800th birthday this summer, with – hopefully – a tiny little bit of help from your good self.
We know of your deep and abiding love for our city which, of course, is not too far from Wales, the land of – in your words – “immoral liars and stunted, bigoted, dark, ugly and pugnacious little trolls.”
If that southern saddo Jade Goody came out with all that (imagine!) they’d probably call her a “racist *******”, but we know it’s different when it comes from you. People are missing the point if they call you a bitter, pompous prat who is full of self-loathing, because you’re really a comedian.
I’m sure you hate it when people take you seriously.
I must pick you up on one thing you’ve written, though – you described our wonderful city centre restaurant 60 Hope Street as a “London restaurant in Liverpool.”
Come on mate, that’s a bit below the belt. We know all about those restaurants in that there London, thanks to the likes of your good self and Mr Winner, so surely a kinder (and more accurate) thing to say about 60 Hope Street would have been that it is a “Liverpool restaurant in Liverpool.”
To the matter in hand, then. Yes, next year Liverpool will be European Capital of Culture, but this year we’re celebratring our 800th birthday . . . go on, AA, be a gent and wish us many happy returns! Cheers, old pal.
NO REPLY!
paula ashley wrote...
hi paddy, you ask should we be celebrating |Liverpool's birthday. well we are, here in the grounds of king john's hunting lodge. we are hosting a black and white masquerade ball in a white and black marquee. we are celebrating 200 years abolition. what wonderful occasions to celebrate, where Liverpool 8, how appropriate. where William Rathbone's descendants used to live. a good and honest abolitionist. the party will be attended by many people whose predecessors came from "freetown" sierra leone. we will be entertained by a singer from the same background,we are a cross section of people who have achieved our own personal goals and are proud to be merseysiders, despite the constant lacklustre performances of our city fathers and their highly paid staff in the capital of culture offices. Paddy this event which is costing my husband and i thousands of pounds is important. as lawrence westgaph said in his article, Liverpool put the begging bowl away. These two memorable dates should be celebrated with pride our bowls are full and we are raising money for the hospice movement. It is liverpool people "putting something back" there are over 250 people attending the ball in all their finery in the most significant place in liverpool. the very least the paper of the people should do is acknowledge it. thanks you
Posted by: paula ashley | August 23, 2007 7:47 AM