His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum
Vice President and Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates and Ruler of Dubai
Owner of the Dubai International Capital (DIC) Investment Group
Your Highness,
Sincere greetings from Liverpool – please, don’t set fire to this letter or chuck it in the bin, because I have nothing to do with Liverpool Football Club.
You should also know that many Liverpool fans were saying DIC’s plans to take over Liverpool FC were the best thing since sliced bread – although when Tom and Georgie Boy threw their baseball caps into the ring people started saying their plans were the best thing since sliced bread.
Fickle old game football, isn’t it?
Anyway, there are still plenty of people in Liverpool who have a lot of time for DIC and, as this proud city is looking forward to celebrating its 800th anniversary on August 28, it would be fandabidozi (that’s basically “fantastic”, if you don’t know The Krankies’ lingo – and hell, why should you?) if you could send us a special birthday greeting.
If nothing else, it would show there are no hard feelings.
PS Why don’t you make an offer for Liverpool’s first football club: Everton?
Go on. Please. It might even end up being the best thing since sliced bread.
NO REPLY!
Sir Alan Sugar
Dear Sir Alan,
The warmest of greetings from Liverpool, European Capital of Culture for 2008 . . . and 800 years old on August 28.
Having celebrated a big day yourself recently (and we hope you had a truly sensational 60th birthday on March 24) we thought you might appreciate the importance of our forthcoming anniversary.
Incidentally, fair play to you for dismissing “bull********, schmoozers and ****lickers” on your first class TV series The Apprentice . . . little wonder you now describe your ill-fated spell as chairman of Tottenham Hotspur as a waste of time.
But that was all a long time ago . . . so how do you fancy investing in the great Everton Football Club? I’m sure you could teach those new Yank kids on the Anfield block a thing or two!
It’s something to think about, anyway. But while you mull that one over, it would be wonderful if you could send the city of Liverpool a “Happy Birthday” message. Thanks, Sir Alan.
PS What, do you think, is your best catchphrase? My favourite is “Frances, you can send them in now.” I bet poor Frances can smell their fear, too. Good. Cocky bleeders.
NO REPLY!
Sir Philip Green
Bhs
Dear Sir Philip,
As the country’s top retailer, you have made it to number seven in the 2007 Sunday Times Rich List – so well done for that!
But we reckon you deserve to be number one in the Great Quotes List, thanks to your wonderful one-liner: “Winners have parties, losers have meetings.”
Nice one, Sir Phil!
Anyway, the big news is that Liverpool is looking forward to celebrating its 800th birthday this summer and we are writing to the great and the good (and Norman Tebbit) to ask them to send this world-famous city a special birthday greeting.
We know you are big mates with Bill Kenwright, so we feel sure you would like to pass on your best wishes to his birthplace (hey, did Bill attend that famous toga party you threw for your 50th birthday – and have you got any pictures?)
Thanks, Sir Philip – and don’t forget: “Death To The Meeting. Power To The Party!”
PS Oh go on, then. While we’re at it – and just to make a change from Bill asking you – do you fancy buying Everton Football Club?
NO REPLY!
Lakshmi Mittal
Mittal Steel Company Ltd
Dear Mr Mittal,
You are the richest man in Britain, with a reported wealth of £19.25 billion . . . good lad!
And well done for, as we say in these parts, “sticking it up” Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich, who came a distant second in the 2007 Sunday Times Rich List with a measly £10.8 billion.
We’re still laughing about that! (it’s a football thing).
But the big news is . . . the great city of Liverpool will be celebrating its 800th birthday this summer and we would love it (just love it) if you could spare a few seconds of your precious time to wish us a “Happy Birthday”.
Thanks Mr Mittal, sir. And, once again, well done for being so rich!
PS Ever thought about buying Everton Football Club? You could rub Mr Abramovich’s nose in it on the football field, too!
NO REPLY!
